I wake up everyday and check myself out. 

I look at my hips.  My belly.  And my thighs.   

And then I stare. 

I stare at my whole body. 

I stare for a couple minutes. 

I stand and I stare. 

I am convinced that if I stare long enough and hard enough my lady lumps will go away.

But they don’t.  

They are there. 

And they are there to stare. 

Some days, I get pissed and it becomes Me vs. Me… 

‘You dumb ass!  You are so fat!  What the fuck were you thinking last night?  Like you had to have all that beer and cheese!  You are so stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stop it, already!’ 

(Yes, I have had this mental argument…many times…)

Other days, I proud of my curves… 

It feels good to be a woman!

I am woman, hear me roar! 

Today I am going to work it!  

Work it!  

Work it!

Work it!

These days are my best day. 

I work it because I love food. 

I work it because I love beer. 

I work it because I want to live life! 

I work it because when I die I will work it no more…

So, I will continue to work it… 

Work it… 

Work it…

Work it!

I am not ashamed of loving food a little too much…

I am ashamed of drinking a little too much…

I am just not ashamed. 

So again…

I will continue to stare. 

To eat.

To drink.

To live. 

And to love. 

After a few nights of practice, I did it!  I was able to measure a few alcoholic masterpieces!  To spread the joy, here the three tasty cocktails I perfected to help you start your evening out right!  Enjoy!   

Grass Skirt

Ice Cubes

1 1/2 oz Gin

1 oz Triple Sec or Cointreau

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1/2 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Pineapple Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Add the gin, triple sec/Cointreau, pineapple juice, and grenadine.  Shake well and pour (unstrained) into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the pineapple slice and enjoy!   

Jamaica Sunday

Crushed Ice

2 oz Jamaican Rum

1 teaspoon Clear Honey

1/2 oz Lime Juice

2 oz Lemonade

Dissolve the honey in the rum and then pour into an old-fashioned glass filled with the crushed ice.  Top with lime juice and lemonade.  Enjoy! 

Hawaiian Vodka

Ice Cubes

3 oz Vodka

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1 oz Orange Juice

1 oz Lemon Juice

1 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Lemon Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Pour in the all the juices and vodka.  Shake well and strain into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the lemon slice and enjoy! 

Recipes from The Cocktail Handbook

So, drink up, new mommy!  It’s been a long time!

Please consult your doctor before starting your daily routine of beer drinking, mama!

You are free as bird without any boundaries or extra baggage.  No worries about babysitting, the color of poop, or vaccinations.  No worries.  No worries.  No worries.  The only worries maybe too many highlights with your lowlights or too much foam in your latte.     

Becoming a parent is a life changing experience.  Kids bring a joy to your life that is unexplainable.  It honestly is a miracle.  One minute, you are single and ready to mingle.  Nine months later, you are blessed with a little mini-me.  As you watch them grow, you get warm fuzzy feelings all over your body.  You light up when you see their smile from across the room.  You want to love ‘em, hug ‘em and call ‘em George all day long.  You are their protector, educator, and best of all, mommy (or daddy).

But, the excitement of parenthood, can mess with the best of us.  Our identity is lost as our brain slowly diminishes to Nick Jr. and Noggin.   Our interests in politics, religion, fashion, and art become Dora and Sesame Street conversations.  And sadly, Blues Clues and Yo Gabba Gabba replace The Office and 30 Rock as ‘Must See TV.’ 

However, in the words of Public Enemy, you gotta ‘Fight the Power’ with drinking!  After you put little Jack or Janie to bed, unwind with a glass or two of wine or a can or two of beer.  Special Warning: No more than two!  It will help soothe the reality of everyday stress and help you cope with knowing all the words to Barney’s ‘I Love You’. 

Drinking after the little one goes to sleep does not make you a bad parent.  It makes you a better parent!  Why would you want to shout and take your frustrations out on you little baby?  Are you a serial killer or something?!?   

However, I must confess, there is another Special Warning:  You will freak out the first time your little one wakes up while you are enjoying your Merlot.  So, take it easy!  Stay calm!  If you freak out, they will freak out more.  Take your little one back to bed and shut the door.  Now,wait…  Wait about 10 minutes before you get your drink on again.  This will give little Janie or Jack a chance to start counting sheep and you a chance to relax and stop telling yourself you are a bad parent.

During your time of unwinding, reminisce about the good ‘ol days.  Your days of listening to Depeche Mode and wearing Doc Martens.  That one time in band camp and sneaking into the clubs with your sister’s fake ID.  Aaahh, the good ‘ol days!  You finally found yourself again!  No kids.  No worries.  Aaahh, the comfort of beer!   Afterall, after your mommy (or daddy) title, you are YOU!  And gosh darn it, people like you!

Now, I am addicted to drinking black coffee, but sometimes I like to mix it up a bit with fancy- pants drinks.  A latte here and there never hurt anyone.  And since it is a snow day in the D, we can all slurge and add a little Captain or Baileys to our drink.  So, here are some snow day treats for you to try while cuddling by the fire with your loved one or watching your favorite flick.  Enjoy!

Alcoholic Hot Chocolate

Hot Chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps

Baileys Spiced Coffee

Butter Rum Coffee

Cinnamon Apple Toddy

Egg Nog

Oh, and Jack Tripper was such a heartthrob!  As a 8- year- old little girl, I wished I could meet a boy as funny and charming as Jack.  His physical humor and ability to cook set the bar for every boy (and man) I dated.  He was so dreamy!  I had to meet my Jack!

And of course, for the boys (and men) Three’s Company blessed you with the hot blonde, Chrissy, and the perfect girl next door, Janet.  I’m pretty positive that back in 1981 every guy jerked off to the image of Chrissy and Janet kissing at least 12 times a day.  I’m mean, come on, do you remember Chrissy in leotards!?!? 

So, let’s take a moment and raise our glasses to Jack Tripper, Janet Wood, and Chrissy Snow!  And of course, The Regal Beagle!  Three’s Company was the greatest show on earth!

2.  Girls in Bar Clothes.  Honestly, it is not 1999.  Be natural!  Your bar clothes look like a costume from Halloween USA.  And quit pushing your breasts up to your neck!  You look swollen!

3.  Bouncers Who Think They Are THE LAW.  Sit down and shut up!  You are here to make sure that no one gets hurt in case a fight breaks out.  Not to bully people around with your intimidating stare and crossed arms.  And quit making me feel like shit for standing.  There’s no room to move!

4.  Cover Charges.  Really, I have to pay to come into YOUR bar where I will spend money on drinks that YOU marked up 200%?  WTF?  Why?  Aren’t you making enough money on the drinks alone?  I know my cover charge isn’t going to ’pay for the band.’  There is no band!  And your DJ sucks! 

5.  The Smell.  That awful smell that lingers and follows you around until you finally take a shower.  All that smoke and alcohol.  Eeww!  Gross!   And the fact that your coat will smell like stale beer and cigarettes for the next week and a half just about blows.  Why did I bring it in?

So, what does a beer loving, wine amateur know about cognac and cigars?  Not much, but it looks cool!  Check out the picture!

Doesn’t it look bad ass?  And my advice to you is try it!  At least once.  It is perfect for a night of chill and relaxation or as a closer after a night of bottled beer and insignificant shots.  The feeling is tranquil and euphoric.  And with every puff you gain a sense of appreciation for the finer things in life. 

However, if you are too swanky for Rusty Beach and looking for some expert advice on smoking cigars and drinking cognac, check out Cigar Aficionado’s site.  They are the Aficionados and all.

(Go ahead, take a few moments and sing the song, it’s okay…) 

Click here to view the embedded video.

With the bass thumpin’ and the lights flashin’, you raise your hands up in the air to praise Mr. DJ.  After all, he’s playin’ your song!  It’s amazing what a little Jesus Juice can do!  Your Lord and Savoir is now a 300 lb. white guy with highlighted tips wearing baggy jeans and a tee- shirt that says, ‘I survived Anorexia.’   

As your jam is spinnin’ through the club, your head is spinnin’ with senselessness.  Any ounce of rhythm you had at the beginning of the night is slowly oozing out as sweat builds up on your forehead.  Left.  Right.  Step.  Step.  Step.  Left.  Right.  Step.  Step.  Step.  You are now in the middle of the dance floor with your arms wide open.  This is now your place of worship to feel the music, hear the gospel, and pray to the hangover gods.

Head roll and all, you sway your hips and close your eyes.  You lift your arms up in the air and curve your body to left.  And now to the right.  Oh, there’s a spin.  You’re creating artwork with your body.  The kind of artwork sold by a starving artist at a Holiday Inn for one day only.  Crafting your moves into seduction, you give the person next to you the Look.  The Look that says, ‘I know, I look good.’  The Look that says, ‘I know, I can move.’  The Look that in your head only is the apple of temptation.

Thankfully, before any evil can prevail, your jam slowly fades into the ‘Closing Time.’  You walk off the dance floor mumbling the lyrics.  Like the song, you hope tonight will be a one-hit wonder and your friends will forget the drinks you spilled on their shoes and the beer goggles you used to find your friend for the night.  Hey, the way you’re looking at it, you’re only taking one for the team like your Lord and Savoir, DJ JC.