Tip 1- Don’t wear shorts!  Euros do not wear shorts unless they are at the beach, out in the field working in the hot hot sun, or playing soccer.  Therefore, there is NO REASON for you to wear shorts in Paris, Munich, London, or any other European metropolis!  Yes, even if it is hot!  NO ONE wants to see your hairy manly legs, Nike socks, and Nike shoes.  No one. 

Tip 2- Put the camera down!  Do you really need a picture of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?  Oh, Look!  A man painting a picture in Paris!  Oh, Look!  A woman carrying fruit in a basket!  Oh, Look!  A kid with flies all over his nose!  Aaww!  How cute!  Stop!  Just stop!  It is not nice!  Plus, would you really take a picture of a homeless man in Detroit or a picture of a street vendor in NYC?  No, they would probably beat the shit out of you!  So, please put the camera down!

Tip 3- Don’t get drunk!  Have you ever heard of ‘Belgian Girls Gone Wild’?  or ‘MTV’s Euro Spring Break’?  Well, that’s because they do not exist!  Yes, Europeans may make freaky-deaky porns and enjoy their beer and wine; however, they do not all of the sudden get crazy-ass drunk, start doing body shots off their best friend, and become bi-sexual for the night!  It just doesn’t happen.  

Tip 4- America IS NOT the world police!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not own the world!  We cannot do whatever we want, wherever we want, whenever we want!  Other countries have laws and we need to abide by them.  This is even in your passport- Yes, our beloved country even tells you to chill out with the arrogance.  So, once again, before you think you are Princess Di and try to smuggle 30 kids into the United States, remember this little tidbit of information!

Tip 5- US currency is not accepted everywhere!  In Japan, you pay with a yen- not a dollar.  A cup of coffee in London is about £1.30 not $1.30.  If you are traveling in Europe, exchange your dollars for Euros.  Please do not try to pay with a $50 bill after you enjoyed your dinner.  It’s embarrassing. 

Tip 6- Not everyone speaks American- I mean, English!  If someone tells you once that they do not speak English, they cannot miraculously start speaking English if you keep speaking in English to them.  They do not speak English!  Leave them alone, learn the native tongue, or STFU!

Tip 7- Not everyone drives an American car!  Frenchmen do not drive Ford F-150s.  The Brits do not roll in Dodge Rams.  And not every family around the world has an SUV with navigation and a DVD player.  Oh, and walk away before you say, ‘Oh, how cute!  That car is so small!’

Tip 8- Knee-length white socks are a no-no!  Oh, and white socks with black shoes are an even bigger no-no!  If you feel the need to wear socks with your sneakers or sandals, please wear pants!  Please.  

Tip 9- Try the national dish!  Yes, McDonald’s is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it!  Try the pad thai in Thailand!  Eat lamb and eggplant moussaka in Greece!  And don’t roll your eyes when you’re told what ingredients are in falafel when you are in Middle East!

Tip 10- Play nice!  Once you get your passport, consider it permission to represent America.  Yes, some people may rude and unhelpful, but at least you won’t be labeled as a sterotypical American.

Ingredients

• 1 to 2 packages cream cheese, room temperature
• 2 cloves chopped garlic 
• 1/4 cup finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes 
• Chopped fresh basil leaves
• Pinch salt
• 10 to 25 jalapeno peppers (larger than average size will make them easier to stuff)
• 1/2 to 1 pound thinly sliced bacon 

Directions

Ingredients:

• 3 Haas avocados, halved, seeded and peeled
• 1 lime, juiced
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne
• 1/2 medium onion, diced
• 2 Roma tomatoes, seeded and diced (the chuckier, the better) 
• 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro (If you are a cilantro hater, it is ok- you don’t really need it)
• 1 clove garlic, minced

Directions:

My first asshole encounter was with a tall, fedora hat-wearing hipster working at Primavera on Saturday at the Farmers Market (food is great, people suck).  Honestly, Asshole, you can crack a smile!  For someone who is in customer service, you should be more of a ‘people person’ and less of an asshole.  Yes, I am well aware that I am a tourist, but as a CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE you should understand you are there for the CUSTOMER (including tourists) and not for your pompous image of an ‘individual.’  If you were such an individual, I wouldn’t be able to be a label on you as an ASSHOLE HIPSTER!

There were two other people I wanted to punch in the face while in San Fran (I read that the locals hate the term ‘San Fran’- Now, I love it!)-  A bartender and waiter at the Tadich Grill (again, food is great, people suck).  Honestly, do you really need to be sarcastic?  What is really pissing you off?  I understand I was there at 9:30 on a Saturday and you wanted to go home, but THIS IS YOUR JOB!  You are paid to be there for the CUSTOMER! 

Here are some classic lines from our two dashing Douchebags:

Act I:

My husband:  “What do you have on tap?”

Bartender:  “Beer.”

No shit, Dickhead!

Act II:

Bartender (to me, as he serves my husband a beer):  “Do you always come second in his life?”

Act III:

Waiter:  “What can I get you two to drink?”

My husband:  “There is a beer coming from the bar for me.”

Waiter:  “As your waiter, don’t you think I should know that?”

Dickhead, the bartender told us he would tell you, so settle down!

Act IV:

Me:  “How is your bread pudding?”

Waiter:  “It depends on where you are from?”

Me:  “Michigan.”

Waiter:  “Oh, then it will be good for you.”

Really, Asshole?  Really?  Some bald, HIPSTER asshole from San Francisco is suddenly the expert in bread pudding? 

While I could go on and on about the Assholeness in San Francisco, the last asshole encounter I would like to  mention is our douchebag tag wearin’ Concierge at the hotel.  The hotel was great, but easy with the ‘quirky’ and ‘witty’ concierge service.  You are here to help your guest, not make inappropriate comments and keep the ‘tourist’ in the ‘tourist spots’ of San Francisco.  I’ve never been in a city that was so segregated and pretentious in my life!  

If you are heading out to San Francisco, here is a helpful tip- it is only a day trip!  Spend your time outside the city- as long as you can!  We wanted to go Wine Country, but didn’t think we had time.  On Day 2, we were ready to go to the airport and return to Detroit Metro!  I must say, it is pretty sad that we would rather come back to Detroit, than stay in sunny California!

Honest Travel Tips about San Francisco:

Fisherman’s Wharf- Disgustingly commercialized!  It is NOTHING like Chicago’s Navy Pier!  The sea lions smell.  Bad. 

Ghirardelli Square-There are maybe 5 shops in the whole place.  It is such a joke!  Plus, you can buy Ghirardelli chocolates ANYWHERE!

Ferry Building Marketplace- Amazing!  Honestly, the best thing about San Francisco, but only when the Farmer’s Market is there (T, TH, and Sat).  

Cable Cars- The tourists are the only people that use these things and they are ‘stuffed’ in there like sardines.  It is so ridiculous. 

Homeless People- They are everywhere.  It makes you feel so bad, but never fear, they are assholes, too.  They make inappropriate comments to you that are either sexual or racist.

Golden Gate Bridge-  It’s a bridge.  End of story.

Union Square-  There is no cool square with street vendors or performers.  It is just a square with some little cafes and some landscaping.  Outside of ‘the square’ there are shops, shops, and more shops.     

Chinatown-  That’s about it.  Just like every other city.  However, R & G Lounge is AMAZING!

Haight Ashbury-It is San Fran’s Fisherman’s Wharf by land.  Too commercialized.  The hippies are now drinking Starbucks and listening to Grateful Dead on their iPods.

The Food-  YUM.  YUM.  YUM.  If it wasn’t for the food, I would really hate San Francisco.

Dips:

Frank Boni’s Four Cheese Dip

Hot Spinach-Artichoke Dip

French Onion Dip

Cheesy Spinach and Bacon Dip

Appetizers:

Grilled Stuffed Jalapeno Chiles with Grilled Red Pepper-Tomato Sauce

Basil and Tomato Feta Bruschetta

Salsa Roll Ups

Baked Crab Rangoon

Spinach Phyllo Roll Ups

Spicy Bean ‘Quesadillas’

 Wings:

Red Hot Sticky Wings

Hot Wings with Blue Cheese-Yogurt Sauce

Chicken Wings with Red Hot Honey Glaze and Blue Cheese-Celery Dipping Sauce

Ulimate Chicken Wings

Sliders and more:

Steakhouse Sliders and Mini Steak Fries

Sliders with Chipotle Mayonnaise

Vinegar and Salt Grilled Potatoes

Chicken Salad Sliders

Sloppy Joes with Maui Onion Straws

1.  A back tattoo of Jesus on the cross

2.  Barb wire arm tattoo

3.  A single rose above the nips

4.  Tramp stamp

5.  Chinese writing of ‘Love,’ ‘Faith,’ Hope,’ and ‘I’m an asshole’

And the #1 Most Admired Tattoo at a NASCAR Race…

Take 1 Swig when…
- A beer is consumed
- Someone falls
- A girl’s shirt is ripped off
- Landfill acts fat
- Something gets broken
- The American Team acts gay

2 Swigs when…
- Anyone says “Great Gam Gam” or refers to her as a whore
- Das Boot is mentioned or used
- Anytime food is thrown
- A frog is jerked off
- Fink is wearing a different yamaka

3 Swigs when…
- “Po Po” is said
- The German Team acts gay
- They mispronounce Mr. Schniedelwichsen’s name

4 Swigs when…
- Someone is killed/dies
- Someone is punched or smacked
- A beer is shotgunned

And finish the drink when…
- Someone yodels

For more great drinking games, check out BarMeister!

Take a sip of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time you see or hear…

• A man wearing a Speedo (Hot!)
• A woman wearing a Thong th thong thong thong (Rrrr!)
• A man wearing a Thong th thong thong thong (Sick!)
• A New York accent
• A girl with a tramp stamp (Bullseye!)
• A guy with a barb wire tattoo
• A mom yelling, ‘Kids, come here!’
• A kid building a sand castle
• A local guy walking the beach with a female tourist (Someone is gettin’ some tonight!)
• Honeymooners holding each other with pina coladas in their hands

• A hairy guy wearing a big gold medallion
• A Boston accent
• A topless lady (Oh yeah!)
• A jogger running with his/her I-Pod
• A fat old lady wearing a super small bikini
• Someone saying, ‘We’re from Detroit…’ (They’re really not from Detroit, trust me!)
• An old man roaming the beach with his metal detector
• A guy with a pierced nipple (This could also be the same guy with the barb wire tattoo…2 sips!)
• Someone wearing a ‘I Love NY’ shirt
• A local hollering, ‘Watersports!’

• A girl with camel toe (Read her lips, dammit!)
• Someone wearing a Yankees baseball cap
• A girl with braids all over her head
• Someone not wearing sunscreen (Dumb ass!)
• A fat guy with an unlit cigar in his mouth (This may also be the same guy wearing a gold medallion…2 sips!)
• 2 men walking the beach together (Suspect!)
• A woman with Jerry Seinfeld’s haircut
• A cougar (No, not the feline!)
• A fat local lady with a hobo purse saying, ‘Braids for the beautiful lady?’
• Are you drunk yet?

Hope you enjoy the game! And remember to relax…Aaahhh!

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in style, try drinking a Guinness!  It is tasty and won’t give you funky green teeth!