Tip 1- Don’t wear shorts!  Euros do not wear shorts unless they are at the beach, out in the field working in the hot hot sun, or playing soccer.  Therefore, there is NO REASON for you to wear shorts in Paris, Munich, London, or any other European metropolis!  Yes, even if it is hot!  NO ONE wants to see your hairy manly legs, Nike socks, and Nike shoes.  No one. 

Tip 2- Put the camera down!  Do you really need a picture of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?  Oh, Look!  A man painting a picture in Paris!  Oh, Look!  A woman carrying fruit in a basket!  Oh, Look!  A kid with flies all over his nose!  Aaww!  How cute!  Stop!  Just stop!  It is not nice!  Plus, would you really take a picture of a homeless man in Detroit or a picture of a street vendor in NYC?  No, they would probably beat the shit out of you!  So, please put the camera down!

Tip 3- Don’t get drunk!  Have you ever heard of ‘Belgian Girls Gone Wild’?  or ‘MTV’s Euro Spring Break’?  Well, that’s because they do not exist!  Yes, Europeans may make freaky-deaky porns and enjoy their beer and wine; however, they do not all of the sudden get crazy-ass drunk, start doing body shots off their best friend, and become bi-sexual for the night!  It just doesn’t happen.  

Tip 4- America IS NOT the world police!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not own the world!  We cannot do whatever we want, wherever we want, whenever we want!  Other countries have laws and we need to abide by them.  This is even in your passport- Yes, our beloved country even tells you to chill out with the arrogance.  So, once again, before you think you are Princess Di and try to smuggle 30 kids into the United States, remember this little tidbit of information!

Tip 5- US currency is not accepted everywhere!  In Japan, you pay with a yen- not a dollar.  A cup of coffee in London is about £1.30 not $1.30.  If you are traveling in Europe, exchange your dollars for Euros.  Please do not try to pay with a $50 bill after you enjoyed your dinner.  It’s embarrassing. 

Tip 6- Not everyone speaks American- I mean, English!  If someone tells you once that they do not speak English, they cannot miraculously start speaking English if you keep speaking in English to them.  They do not speak English!  Leave them alone, learn the native tongue, or STFU!

Tip 7- Not everyone drives an American car!  Frenchmen do not drive Ford F-150s.  The Brits do not roll in Dodge Rams.  And not every family around the world has an SUV with navigation and a DVD player.  Oh, and walk away before you say, ‘Oh, how cute!  That car is so small!’

Tip 8- Knee-length white socks are a no-no!  Oh, and white socks with black shoes are an even bigger no-no!  If you feel the need to wear socks with your sneakers or sandals, please wear pants!  Please.  

Tip 9- Try the national dish!  Yes, McDonald’s is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it!  Try the pad thai in Thailand!  Eat lamb and eggplant moussaka in Greece!  And don’t roll your eyes when you’re told what ingredients are in falafel when you are in Middle East!

Tip 10- Play nice!  Once you get your passport, consider it permission to represent America.  Yes, some people may rude and unhelpful, but at least you won’t be labeled as a sterotypical American.

• Don’t buy anything last minute!  She will be pissed!
• Don’t buy something that she liked five years ago!  Buy something she likes NOW!
• Don’t forget the card!
• If you have only been dating for 1-5 months, spend $50 max!
• Go out to eat to YOUR favorite restaurant, not a trendy place you have never been to!
• Buying her a cellphone is cheese.
• Don’t buy her clothes!  She isn’t going to like them!  Sorry!
• If you want to buy her diamonds, they must be at least .5 carats! 
• Spa packages are okay- but not original!
• Make it personal!   Think of past conversations… 
• Some ideas for you…  A piece of artwork or framed photography she loves!  A book or CD she said she wanted (but doesn’t remember she wanted) plus flowers!  A classic movie DVD she loves plus flowers!
• If all else fails, just buy flowers!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s27wOS-Ada8

(Go ahead, take a few moments and sing the song, it’s okay…) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ESl6oESgns

With the bass thumpin’ and the lights flashin’, you raise your hands up in the air to praise Mr. DJ.  After all, he’s playin’ your song!  It’s amazing what a little Jesus Juice can do!  Your Lord and Savoir is now a 300 lb. white guy with highlighted tips wearing baggy jeans and a tee- shirt that says, ‘I survived Anorexia.’   

As your jam is spinnin’ through the club, your head is spinnin’ with senselessness.  Any ounce of rhythm you had at the beginning of the night is slowly oozing out as sweat builds up on your forehead.  Left.  Right.  Step.  Step.  Step.  Left.  Right.  Step.  Step.  Step.  You are now in the middle of the dance floor with your arms wide open.  This is now your place of worship to feel the music, hear the gospel, and pray to the hangover gods.

Head roll and all, you sway your hips and close your eyes.  You lift your arms up in the air and curve your body to left.  And now to the right.  Oh, there’s a spin.  You’re creating artwork with your body.  The kind of artwork sold by a starving artist at a Holiday Inn for one day only.  Crafting your moves into seduction, you give the person next to you the Look.  The Look that says, ‘I know, I look good.’  The Look that says, ‘I know, I can move.’  The Look that in your head only is the apple of temptation.

Thankfully, before any evil can prevail, your jam slowly fades into the ‘Closing Time.’  You walk off the dance floor mumbling the lyrics.  Like the song, you hope tonight will be a one-hit wonder and your friends will forget the drinks you spilled on their shoes and the beer goggles you used to find your friend for the night.  Hey, the way you’re looking at it, you’re only taking one for the team like your Lord and Savoir, DJ JC.