Honestly, who are you? 

Are you 1/2 gothic 1/2 preppy? 

Are you 100% Pure Alterna-Fuck? 

 Are you even clean? 

When I see a hipster, I want to vomit!  Yes, projectile vomit onto their ‘vintage’ concert t-shirt and skintight jeans!  They are lost dirty little fuckheads trying so hard to be different!  They spend more time on looking dirty than actually cleansing themselves!  And they spend more time criticizing others who are ‘too square’ than actually becoming experts on what they are criticizing us about! 

Really, you know that much about Eastern European history?  Really? 

And really, you know that much about cinematography and 1960′s Czech film noir?

Sure.

Just STFU! 

You hipsters kill me!

(I googled ‘stupid hipster’ and found the perfect illustration…Enjoy!)

Well, I’m 31 years old now and can pretty much beat my annual salary that my parents had no clue what organic food was back in 1978.   Both my parents were loyal Detroit Rock City factory workers and food had to be quick and easy!  My mother had no time to read labels to determine if the ingredients were healthy enough for me.  I was a formula-fed, Chef Boyardee eatin’, Mt. Dew drinkin’ kid!  Hey, I ended up graduating college and living in the ‘burbs- I’m pretty sure I didn’t come out that bad… 

Now that I am a mom raising a little girl in a somewhat health- conscious society, I am little paranoid about my every move.   Does this juice have too much sugar?  How many hot dogs are acceptable in a week?  Instant or homemade mashed potatoes?  Is Chef Boyardee safe?  Was it ever safe?  Organic milk vs. non-organic milk?  What’s it goin’ be?  Uh?  What’s it goin’ be, dammit! 

Being a parent is tough! 

Last Friday night I went to Trader Joe’s to pick up some cheap wine for my husband’s hunting trip.  While I was trying to find the perfect case of wine for a bunch of deer hunters, I couldn’t believe the amount of boxed organic foods.   Boxed organic crackers.  Boxed organic macaroni.  Boxed organic shepherd’s pie.  What?  Really?  Boxed shepherd’s pie?  Really?  Do you really think an Englishman would eat boxed shepherd’s pie? 

I guess there are some things we all expect to be processed (like Spam, Chef Boyardee, and Hormel Chili), but there are some things, like shepherd’s pie, that we expect to be homemade.  Is boxed organic shepherd’s pie more superior than Hamburger Helper?  Would a hipster from San Francisco enjoyably eat the boxed organic shepherd’s pie, but chuckle if I told him that I used frozen peas and carrots in my dinner last night?  Is organic shepherd’s pie in a box heartier and more filling than the tradition countryside recipe?  I guess I just don’t get it! 

Maybe my whole dilemma comes from the fact that I am a little disturbed with the word ‘organic’ being thrown around so easily.  Organic farmers take pride in their work and they follow very strict guidelines to put the word ‘organic’ on their product.  I find it a little hard to believe that an organic farmer would consciously be comfortable with the fact that his fresh produce was dried, processed, and boxed.  Would he really sacrifice his family’s life and attend countless USDA meetings for a spot on Trader Joe’s top shelf?  I highly doubt it.

My first asshole encounter was with a tall, fedora hat-wearing hipster working at Primavera on Saturday at the Farmers Market (food is great, people suck).  Honestly, Asshole, you can crack a smile!  For someone who is in customer service, you should be more of a ‘people person’ and less of an asshole.  Yes, I am well aware that I am a tourist, but as a CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE you should understand you are there for the CUSTOMER (including tourists) and not for your pompous image of an ‘individual.’  If you were such an individual, I wouldn’t be able to be a label on you as an ASSHOLE HIPSTER!

There were two other people I wanted to punch in the face while in San Fran (I read that the locals hate the term ‘San Fran’- Now, I love it!)-  A bartender and waiter at the Tadich Grill (again, food is great, people suck).  Honestly, do you really need to be sarcastic?  What is really pissing you off?  I understand I was there at 9:30 on a Saturday and you wanted to go home, but THIS IS YOUR JOB!  You are paid to be there for the CUSTOMER! 

Here are some classic lines from our two dashing Douchebags:

Act I:

My husband:  “What do you have on tap?”

Bartender:  “Beer.”

No shit, Dickhead!

Act II:

Bartender (to me, as he serves my husband a beer):  “Do you always come second in his life?”

Act III:

Waiter:  “What can I get you two to drink?”

My husband:  “There is a beer coming from the bar for me.”

Waiter:  “As your waiter, don’t you think I should know that?”

Dickhead, the bartender told us he would tell you, so settle down!

Act IV:

Me:  “How is your bread pudding?”

Waiter:  “It depends on where you are from?”

Me:  “Michigan.”

Waiter:  “Oh, then it will be good for you.”

Really, Asshole?  Really?  Some bald, HIPSTER asshole from San Francisco is suddenly the expert in bread pudding? 

While I could go on and on about the Assholeness in San Francisco, the last asshole encounter I would like to  mention is our douchebag tag wearin’ Concierge at the hotel.  The hotel was great, but easy with the ‘quirky’ and ‘witty’ concierge service.  You are here to help your guest, not make inappropriate comments and keep the ‘tourist’ in the ‘tourist spots’ of San Francisco.  I’ve never been in a city that was so segregated and pretentious in my life!  

If you are heading out to San Francisco, here is a helpful tip- it is only a day trip!  Spend your time outside the city- as long as you can!  We wanted to go Wine Country, but didn’t think we had time.  On Day 2, we were ready to go to the airport and return to Detroit Metro!  I must say, it is pretty sad that we would rather come back to Detroit, than stay in sunny California!

Honest Travel Tips about San Francisco:

Fisherman’s Wharf- Disgustingly commercialized!  It is NOTHING like Chicago’s Navy Pier!  The sea lions smell.  Bad. 

Ghirardelli Square-There are maybe 5 shops in the whole place.  It is such a joke!  Plus, you can buy Ghirardelli chocolates ANYWHERE!

Ferry Building Marketplace- Amazing!  Honestly, the best thing about San Francisco, but only when the Farmer’s Market is there (T, TH, and Sat).  

Cable Cars- The tourists are the only people that use these things and they are ‘stuffed’ in there like sardines.  It is so ridiculous. 

Homeless People- They are everywhere.  It makes you feel so bad, but never fear, they are assholes, too.  They make inappropriate comments to you that are either sexual or racist.

Golden Gate Bridge-  It’s a bridge.  End of story.

Union Square-  There is no cool square with street vendors or performers.  It is just a square with some little cafes and some landscaping.  Outside of ‘the square’ there are shops, shops, and more shops.     

Chinatown-  That’s about it.  Just like every other city.  However, R & G Lounge is AMAZING!

Haight Ashbury-It is San Fran’s Fisherman’s Wharf by land.  Too commercialized.  The hippies are now drinking Starbucks and listening to Grateful Dead on their iPods.

The Food-  YUM.  YUM.  YUM.  If it wasn’t for the food, I would really hate San Francisco.