Tip 1- Don’t wear shorts!  Euros do not wear shorts unless they are at the beach, out in the field working in the hot hot sun, or playing soccer.  Therefore, there is NO REASON for you to wear shorts in Paris, Munich, London, or any other European metropolis!  Yes, even if it is hot!  NO ONE wants to see your hairy manly legs, Nike socks, and Nike shoes.  No one. 

Tip 2- Put the camera down!  Do you really need a picture of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?  Oh, Look!  A man painting a picture in Paris!  Oh, Look!  A woman carrying fruit in a basket!  Oh, Look!  A kid with flies all over his nose!  Aaww!  How cute!  Stop!  Just stop!  It is not nice!  Plus, would you really take a picture of a homeless man in Detroit or a picture of a street vendor in NYC?  No, they would probably beat the shit out of you!  So, please put the camera down!

Tip 3- Don’t get drunk!  Have you ever heard of ‘Belgian Girls Gone Wild’?  or ‘MTV’s Euro Spring Break’?  Well, that’s because they do not exist!  Yes, Europeans may make freaky-deaky porns and enjoy their beer and wine; however, they do not all of the sudden get crazy-ass drunk, start doing body shots off their best friend, and become bi-sexual for the night!  It just doesn’t happen.  

Tip 4- America IS NOT the world police!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not own the world!  We cannot do whatever we want, wherever we want, whenever we want!  Other countries have laws and we need to abide by them.  This is even in your passport- Yes, our beloved country even tells you to chill out with the arrogance.  So, once again, before you think you are Princess Di and try to smuggle 30 kids into the United States, remember this little tidbit of information!

Tip 5- US currency is not accepted everywhere!  In Japan, you pay with a yen- not a dollar.  A cup of coffee in London is about £1.30 not $1.30.  If you are traveling in Europe, exchange your dollars for Euros.  Please do not try to pay with a $50 bill after you enjoyed your dinner.  It’s embarrassing. 

Tip 6- Not everyone speaks American- I mean, English!  If someone tells you once that they do not speak English, they cannot miraculously start speaking English if you keep speaking in English to them.  They do not speak English!  Leave them alone, learn the native tongue, or STFU!

Tip 7- Not everyone drives an American car!  Frenchmen do not drive Ford F-150s.  The Brits do not roll in Dodge Rams.  And not every family around the world has an SUV with navigation and a DVD player.  Oh, and walk away before you say, ‘Oh, how cute!  That car is so small!’

Tip 8- Knee-length white socks are a no-no!  Oh, and white socks with black shoes are an even bigger no-no!  If you feel the need to wear socks with your sneakers or sandals, please wear pants!  Please.  

Tip 9- Try the national dish!  Yes, McDonald’s is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it!  Try the pad thai in Thailand!  Eat lamb and eggplant moussaka in Greece!  And don’t roll your eyes when you’re told what ingredients are in falafel when you are in Middle East!

Tip 10- Play nice!  Once you get your passport, consider it permission to represent America.  Yes, some people may rude and unhelpful, but at least you won’t be labeled as a sterotypical American.

After a few nights of practice, I did it!  I was able to measure a few alcoholic masterpieces!  To spread the joy, here the three tasty cocktails I perfected to help you start your evening out right!  Enjoy!   

Grass Skirt

Ice Cubes

1 1/2 oz Gin

1 oz Triple Sec or Cointreau

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1/2 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Pineapple Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Add the gin, triple sec/Cointreau, pineapple juice, and grenadine.  Shake well and pour (unstrained) into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the pineapple slice and enjoy!   

Jamaica Sunday

Crushed Ice

2 oz Jamaican Rum

1 teaspoon Clear Honey

1/2 oz Lime Juice

2 oz Lemonade

Dissolve the honey in the rum and then pour into an old-fashioned glass filled with the crushed ice.  Top with lime juice and lemonade.  Enjoy! 

Hawaiian Vodka

Ice Cubes

3 oz Vodka

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1 oz Orange Juice

1 oz Lemon Juice

1 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Lemon Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Pour in the all the juices and vodka.  Shake well and strain into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the lemon slice and enjoy! 

Recipes from The Cocktail Handbook

 Cinco de Mayo is here!  And while most of the world is worried about the swine flu and its origination in Mexico, we have found the perfect drink for you to toast to all that is Mexican- Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita!  Delicioso!

Best of all, this premium mix is ready to serve on the rocks in a salt-rimmed glass as soon as your bring it home!  Excelente!  And if you are a member of Costco, you can enjoy this mouthwatering drink in bulk! 

Liquor in bulk…how can you go wrong!?!  Inteligente!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Amigo!

Take a sip of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time you see or hear…

• A man wearing a Speedo (Hot!)
• A woman wearing a Thong th thong thong thong (Rrrr!)
• A man wearing a Thong th thong thong thong (Sick!)
• A New York accent
• A girl with a tramp stamp (Bullseye!)
• A guy with a barb wire tattoo
• A mom yelling, ‘Kids, come here!’
• A kid building a sand castle
• A local guy walking the beach with a female tourist (Someone is gettin’ some tonight!)
• Honeymooners holding each other with pina coladas in their hands

• A hairy guy wearing a big gold medallion
• A Boston accent
• A topless lady (Oh yeah!)
• A jogger running with his/her I-Pod
• A fat old lady wearing a super small bikini
• Someone saying, ‘We’re from Detroit…’ (They’re really not from Detroit, trust me!)
• An old man roaming the beach with his metal detector
• A guy with a pierced nipple (This could also be the same guy with the barb wire tattoo…2 sips!)
• Someone wearing a ‘I Love NY’ shirt
• A local hollering, ‘Watersports!’

• A girl with camel toe (Read her lips, dammit!)
• Someone wearing a Yankees baseball cap
• A girl with braids all over her head
• Someone not wearing sunscreen (Dumb ass!)
• A fat guy with an unlit cigar in his mouth (This may also be the same guy wearing a gold medallion…2 sips!)
• 2 men walking the beach together (Suspect!)
• A woman with Jerry Seinfeld’s haircut
• A cougar (No, not the feline!)
• A fat local lady with a hobo purse saying, ‘Braids for the beautiful lady?’
• Are you drunk yet?

Hope you enjoy the game! And remember to relax…Aaahhh!

Oh, Chris!  Poor, dumb Chris!  Who can forget the day you were too stupid for public school and the day you asked Old Man Herbert if he was a pedophile…

And Meg!  Oh, crazy Meg!  The vision of you seducing Brian and the look in your eyes as you grasped a package of hot dogs will haunt our memories forever…

To help ease the pain and comfort the inappropriateness, a drinking game in honor of Family Guy has been created.  So, let’s raise our glasses and toast to the Drunken Clam, Cleveland’s wife, and Quagmire’s love for the ladies…

Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!   Oh, yeah!

Take One Sip When…

• There’s a flashback
• Peter laughs
• Peter drinks a beer
• Peter does something stupid
• Peter says ‘Sweet’
• Stewie has a weapon
• Stewie says ‘Victory is mine!’
• Stewie chats with random adults
• Lois makes dinner
• Brian drinks
• Brian smokes
• Quahog News airs
• Trisha Takinowa reports
• There’s a family driving scene

Takes Two Sips When…

• Peter talks on the phone
• Stewie and Brian fight
• Stewie and Brian make fun of each other
• Joe says ‘Alright, let’s do it!’
• The scene is intentionally drawn out
• Chris says something stupid
• Chris has a good one-liner

Take Three Sips When…

• Someone falls down
• A random sequence airs

Finish the Beer When…

• Someone/A group breaks out in song
• Evil Monkey appears
• Kid with upside down face appears
• There’s a parody of another cartoon/TV show
• William Shatner appears

Are you drunk yet?

For more Family Guy fun, visit Stewie’s Playground.

On a lighter note… To honor our favorite staff at Scared Heart, a drinking game has been created!  What better way to show your love than to get drunk?  So, sit down and drink up, newbie!  This is going to be extra special! 

Oh, and don’t forget the Appletini!

• Dr. Cox calls JD by a woman’s name
• Dr. Cox calls JD “Newbie”
• Carla calls JD “Bambi”
• Dr. Cox calls Elliot “Barbie”
• JD calls Turk “Chocolate Bear”
• Dr. Kelso calls someone “Sport”, “Champ”, or “Sweetheart”
• The Todd Hi-Fives someone
• There is a flashback
• There is a dream sequence
• There is a fantasy
• Someone dances or sings
• Elliot shows her bra
• Dr. Cox puts his hands on top of his head
• The Janitor is shown actually cleaning
• Someone says “Jesus”, “God”, “The Lord”, or “Christ”
• The Todd wears his banana hammock
• Are you drunk yet? 

For more game ideas, check out Tarfumes.com

Sunday is the big day!  The Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the Arizona Cardinals in Tampa Bay!  And to help ease the pain of party planning, here are 10 tips to help you plan the party of the year for the game of the year!

1.  So, you want to have a themed party?  Make it a 40′s party!  Load up the refrigerator with your favorite malt liquor and throw down!  To make it extra special for your guests, provide brown paper bags for the finishing touches!

2.  Sick of chips and salsa?  Replace the salsa with some Pace Mexican Four Cheese Salsa con Queso and you are good to go!  Dip that chip!  It is so freakin’ good!

3.  Hot Wings are a must for every house party!  And when you wash down the heat with some beer…HEAVEN!  If you live near a Kroger grocery store, try their store brand hot sauces.  They are HOT as HELL and delicious! 

4.  Cookies are always a pleasant surprise when you go to a party!  Pick up some Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies from Costco!  They taste like fancy pants gourmet cookies- but they’re not!  Cheap and yummy- how awesome is that?

5.  To pass the time during halftime, play some Jenga!  Everyone’s favorite wood block game!  Not only will you be at the ‘edge of your seat’ with fun, but you can watch your slightly intoxicated party-goer friends intensely concentrate on the tower of blocks! 

6.  Squares, squares, and more squares!  Make sure your guests are ready to gambling and make some extra bucks!  That’s right, Dolla Dolla Bills, Y’all!

7.  If you are not interested in drinking beer from a paper bag, try drinking wine from a paper box!  Yes, years ago we all called box wine, ‘White Trash Champagne’, but it has made a comeback!  Try Black Box Wines to toast your team’s win!  After all, it is award winning!

8.  Have you ever had an Incredible Hulk?  Next to the Rusty Beach, it is one of the best mixed drinks- EVER!  Mix up some Hypnotic Liquor and Cognac and VOILA!  You have an Incredible Hulk!  Green and Mean!

9.  Need some more snacks?  Spinach dip with anything!  Chips, crackers, chains, and whips, spinach dip tastes great!  And who doesn’t want to bathe in it?!?  It is sooo yummy!   (Oh, and spinach is a great source of iron!)

10.  Last, but not least, NEVER NEVER NEVER have a BYOB party!  If you are going to have a party, do it right or don’t do it AT ALL!  A case of beer is $20, you can spend $20!  Your guests will more than likely bring a host (hostess) gift, so take it easy and supply the brews! 

Now, I am addicted to drinking black coffee, but sometimes I like to mix it up a bit with fancy- pants drinks.  A latte here and there never hurt anyone.  And since it is a snow day in the D, we can all slurge and add a little Captain or Baileys to our drink.  So, here are some snow day treats for you to try while cuddling by the fire with your loved one or watching your favorite flick.  Enjoy!

Alcoholic Hot Chocolate

Hot Chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps

Baileys Spiced Coffee

Butter Rum Coffee

Cinnamon Apple Toddy

Egg Nog

What do you think Santa will bring Jesus for X-mas?

So, we’ve covered the beer lover, wine lover, and music lover…who’s next?  The hard liquor lover!  Everyone’s favorite friend!   I mean, who doesn’t love inappropriate comments and the smell of alcohol on someone else’s breath?

However, drinking hard liquor can be a little pricey.  And if your BFF is drinking daily, he is probably only sipping on the finest Popov, Peppermint Schnapps, or Hot Damn the corner shop has to offer.  So, why not add a little class to your fellow hard liquor lover’s day and treat him to some top- shelf liquor?  I suggest the finely aged Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel Tennessee Whiskey.  This treat is not only flavorful, but allows your friend to say he is a Whiskey Aficionado!  A win-win!      

The holidays are always the best time of the year to buy liquor, too!  Why, you ask…CARDBOARD BOX LIQUOR SETS!  Lucky for you, Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel is available as a set…ALONG WITH 2 FANCY SPIRIT GLASSES!  Could Christmas get any better?  I think not! 

‘Tis the season for happy holiday spirits!  Cheers!