Take 1 Swig when…
- A beer is consumed
- Someone falls
- A girl’s shirt is ripped off
- Landfill acts fat
- Something gets broken
- The American Team acts gay

2 Swigs when…
- Anyone says “Great Gam Gam” or refers to her as a whore
- Das Boot is mentioned or used
- Anytime food is thrown
- A frog is jerked off
- Fink is wearing a different yamaka

3 Swigs when…
- “Po Po” is said
- The German Team acts gay
- They mispronounce Mr. Schniedelwichsen’s name

4 Swigs when…
- Someone is killed/dies
- Someone is punched or smacked
- A beer is shotgunned

And finish the drink when…
- Someone yodels

For more great drinking games, check out BarMeister!

1.  Banquet Hall Parties-Why would you want to spend hundreds of dollars to ‘party’ at the same place you attended a wedding at last summer?  Was the mostacolli that good?

2.  Dance Clubs- So, you are willing to pay a $50 cover charge for ‘free party favors’ and a ‘champagne toast at midnight’?  Are you sure?  The favors are from the dollar store and the champagne is Andre, so you may want to rethink this one.  Really.   

3.  Your Outfit- Must contain glitter, beading, sequence, or all of the above.    

4.  The Overuse of the Word ‘Exclusive’ - An EXCLUSIVE party for the New Year…  The EXCLUSIVE DJ from Europe…  EXCLUSIVELY from New York…  Exclusive!  Exclusive!  Exclusive! 

5.  Hotel Parties- Can’t you just invite the same people to your house and play Scrabble there?  Really, the hot tub isn’t that necessary.

So, what is my suggestion for NYE since I am being a little judgemental…

Save your money for 2009 and drink at home with Dick Clark!  He was there for you when you were a little kid and he is still here for you wishing you a happy and healthy New Year!  Go, Dick!

For more information on Home Bars, check out this posting!

Click here to view the embedded video.

(Go ahead, take a few moments and sing the song, it’s okay…) 

Click here to view the embedded video.

With the bass thumpin’ and the lights flashin’, you raise your hands up in the air to praise Mr. DJ.  After all, he’s playin’ your song!  It’s amazing what a little Jesus Juice can do!  Your Lord and Savoir is now a 300 lb. white guy with highlighted tips wearing baggy jeans and a tee- shirt that says, ‘I survived Anorexia.’   

As your jam is spinnin’ through the club, your head is spinnin’ with senselessness.  Any ounce of rhythm you had at the beginning of the night is slowly oozing out as sweat builds up on your forehead.  Left.  Right.  Step.  Step.  Step.  Left.  Right.  Step.  Step.  Step.  You are now in the middle of the dance floor with your arms wide open.  This is now your place of worship to feel the music, hear the gospel, and pray to the hangover gods.

Head roll and all, you sway your hips and close your eyes.  You lift your arms up in the air and curve your body to left.  And now to the right.  Oh, there’s a spin.  You’re creating artwork with your body.  The kind of artwork sold by a starving artist at a Holiday Inn for one day only.  Crafting your moves into seduction, you give the person next to you the Look.  The Look that says, ‘I know, I look good.’  The Look that says, ‘I know, I can move.’  The Look that in your head only is the apple of temptation.

Thankfully, before any evil can prevail, your jam slowly fades into the ‘Closing Time.’  You walk off the dance floor mumbling the lyrics.  Like the song, you hope tonight will be a one-hit wonder and your friends will forget the drinks you spilled on their shoes and the beer goggles you used to find your friend for the night.  Hey, the way you’re looking at it, you’re only taking one for the team like your Lord and Savoir, DJ JC.

It just sounds gross.  But when most of us get a few drinks down, we become a little less pure and a lot more unrefined.  Our mouth becomes our own personal weapon of mass destruction and our mind is held hostage of comprehension.  Verbal vomit spews out uncontrollably.  And phrases like, ‘I love you, man’ and ‘I not trying to be mean, but…,’ start to take a life of their own. 

And then there’s our appearance.  Sadly, we think we’re the cat’s meow.  For women, our make up is non-existent.  We are only left with smeared raccoon eyes and a distorted body image that we think we look like Jessica Biel.  For men, you’re a little sweaty (it’s a little gross) and your shirt is untucked with wrinkles at the bottom.  But dude, you are the captain of the football team!  You own this bar!  

Hey, we are all entitled to let loose after hours, speak gibberish, and look like a beat-up version of Raggedy Anne and Andy.  Right? 

The next day, we try to forget about the things we might have said and done.  Hazy vignettes run through our mind of the night before.  The dirty artist at bar smoking his Lucky Strikes (I think I might have kissed him).  The suburban MILF’s with their mom bellies (I think I freaked one of them on the dance floor).  The couple making out in the corner (Gosh, I wish that was me).  The couple making out in the restroom (Do they not know what STD’s are?).  And the hipster conversation about slogan tees that we tried so hard to ignore, but we couldn’t take it anymore and said some words that were inappropriate to say the least (STFU!).  And the shots.  Oh, the shots…they were going down so smooth… 

Alcohol helps ease the daily friction of life.  With good company, it is the Barry White of beverages.  It helps us bond with the ones we love and slowly get to second base with the ones we want to love.  Alcohol also can be the Sarah Palin of spiked punches.  It can spark a fire of excitement with rehearsed words or embarrass a party with its mindless rambling.  And lastly, alcohol is Rachel Ray of rum and cokes.  In 30 minutes or less, you can either stir up a good buzz and raspy voice or brew a pot of bullshit and annoy the hell out of everyone in the bar.