Tip 1- Don’t wear shorts!  Euros do not wear shorts unless they are at the beach, out in the field working in the hot hot sun, or playing soccer.  Therefore, there is NO REASON for you to wear shorts in Paris, Munich, London, or any other European metropolis!  Yes, even if it is hot!  NO ONE wants to see your hairy manly legs, Nike socks, and Nike shoes.  No one. 

Tip 2- Put the camera down!  Do you really need a picture of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?  Oh, Look!  A man painting a picture in Paris!  Oh, Look!  A woman carrying fruit in a basket!  Oh, Look!  A kid with flies all over his nose!  Aaww!  How cute!  Stop!  Just stop!  It is not nice!  Plus, would you really take a picture of a homeless man in Detroit or a picture of a street vendor in NYC?  No, they would probably beat the shit out of you!  So, please put the camera down!

Tip 3- Don’t get drunk!  Have you ever heard of ‘Belgian Girls Gone Wild’?  or ‘MTV’s Euro Spring Break’?  Well, that’s because they do not exist!  Yes, Europeans may make freaky-deaky porns and enjoy their beer and wine; however, they do not all of the sudden get crazy-ass drunk, start doing body shots off their best friend, and become bi-sexual for the night!  It just doesn’t happen.  

Tip 4- America IS NOT the world police!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not own the world!  We cannot do whatever we want, wherever we want, whenever we want!  Other countries have laws and we need to abide by them.  This is even in your passport- Yes, our beloved country even tells you to chill out with the arrogance.  So, once again, before you think you are Princess Di and try to smuggle 30 kids into the United States, remember this little tidbit of information!

Tip 5- US currency is not accepted everywhere!  In Japan, you pay with a yen- not a dollar.  A cup of coffee in London is about £1.30 not $1.30.  If you are traveling in Europe, exchange your dollars for Euros.  Please do not try to pay with a $50 bill after you enjoyed your dinner.  It’s embarrassing. 

Tip 6- Not everyone speaks American- I mean, English!  If someone tells you once that they do not speak English, they cannot miraculously start speaking English if you keep speaking in English to them.  They do not speak English!  Leave them alone, learn the native tongue, or STFU!

Tip 7- Not everyone drives an American car!  Frenchmen do not drive Ford F-150s.  The Brits do not roll in Dodge Rams.  And not every family around the world has an SUV with navigation and a DVD player.  Oh, and walk away before you say, ‘Oh, how cute!  That car is so small!’

Tip 8- Knee-length white socks are a no-no!  Oh, and white socks with black shoes are an even bigger no-no!  If you feel the need to wear socks with your sneakers or sandals, please wear pants!  Please.  

Tip 9- Try the national dish!  Yes, McDonald’s is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it!  Try the pad thai in Thailand!  Eat lamb and eggplant moussaka in Greece!  And don’t roll your eyes when you’re told what ingredients are in falafel when you are in Middle East!

Tip 10- Play nice!  Once you get your passport, consider it permission to represent America.  Yes, some people may rude and unhelpful, but at least you won’t be labeled as a sterotypical American.

After a few nights of practice, I did it!  I was able to measure a few alcoholic masterpieces!  To spread the joy, here the three tasty cocktails I perfected to help you start your evening out right!  Enjoy!   

Grass Skirt

Ice Cubes

1 1/2 oz Gin

1 oz Triple Sec or Cointreau

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1/2 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Pineapple Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Add the gin, triple sec/Cointreau, pineapple juice, and grenadine.  Shake well and pour (unstrained) into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the pineapple slice and enjoy!   

Jamaica Sunday

Crushed Ice

2 oz Jamaican Rum

1 teaspoon Clear Honey

1/2 oz Lime Juice

2 oz Lemonade

Dissolve the honey in the rum and then pour into an old-fashioned glass filled with the crushed ice.  Top with lime juice and lemonade.  Enjoy! 

Hawaiian Vodka

Ice Cubes

3 oz Vodka

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1 oz Orange Juice

1 oz Lemon Juice

1 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Lemon Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Pour in the all the juices and vodka.  Shake well and strain into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the lemon slice and enjoy! 

Recipes from The Cocktail Handbook

Oh, Chris!  Poor, dumb Chris!  Who can forget the day you were too stupid for public school and the day you asked Old Man Herbert if he was a pedophile…

And Meg!  Oh, crazy Meg!  The vision of you seducing Brian and the look in your eyes as you grasped a package of hot dogs will haunt our memories forever…

To help ease the pain and comfort the inappropriateness, a drinking game in honor of Family Guy has been created.  So, let’s raise our glasses and toast to the Drunken Clam, Cleveland’s wife, and Quagmire’s love for the ladies…

Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!   Oh, yeah!

Take One Sip When…

• There’s a flashback
• Peter laughs
• Peter drinks a beer
• Peter does something stupid
• Peter says ‘Sweet’
• Stewie has a weapon
• Stewie says ‘Victory is mine!’
• Stewie chats with random adults
• Lois makes dinner
• Brian drinks
• Brian smokes
• Quahog News airs
• Trisha Takinowa reports
• There’s a family driving scene

Takes Two Sips When…

• Peter talks on the phone
• Stewie and Brian fight
• Stewie and Brian make fun of each other
• Joe says ‘Alright, let’s do it!’
• The scene is intentionally drawn out
• Chris says something stupid
• Chris has a good one-liner

Take Three Sips When…

• Someone falls down
• A random sequence airs

Finish the Beer When…

• Someone/A group breaks out in song
• Evil Monkey appears
• Kid with upside down face appears
• There’s a parody of another cartoon/TV show
• William Shatner appears

Are you drunk yet?

For more Family Guy fun, visit Stewie’s Playground.

I always admired my uncle for his individuality.  He knew what he wanted and wouldn’t succumb to the norm.  A few months ago, I decided to to enjoy my beer from a glass and observe the fusion of beer.  I poured a cold Labatt Blue Light into a basic drinking glass.  The beer head rose perfectly to the top and the bubbles fizzled away.  The hops, CO2, yeast content, etc. all came together to create the perfect sip of beer.  

I took my first sip and could instantly tell the difference.  And after a few more sips, I was sold!  There was so much more to enjoy by drinking beer from a glass!  You could appreciate the craftsmanship and the taste was more defined.  No more skunked, heavy taste from bottle beer.  I was now committed to beer in a glass.    

Excited about my new discovery, I told my dad.  I asked him if this was the reason why my uncle always drank beer from a glass.  My father smirked and told me a story about a night out they had over 30 years ago.  They were at a local bar in Hamtramck drinking and playing pool.  My uncle took a shot at the pool table and then swung his beer back.  Within seconds, my uncle spit out his beer.  There was a worm in the beer can!  My poor uncle!  Traumatized over this disgusting incident, he vowed never to drink from a bottle or can again!  

After hearing about my uncle’s story, it all came together.  I finally understood why there were no questions, jokes, or guilty trips at the dinner table.  It wasn’t because of taste or craftsmanship, it was because of worm swirling around in his mouth.      

1.  Banquet Hall Parties-Why would you want to spend hundreds of dollars to ‘party’ at the same place you attended a wedding at last summer?  Was the mostacolli that good?

2.  Dance Clubs- So, you are willing to pay a $50 cover charge for ‘free party favors’ and a ‘champagne toast at midnight’?  Are you sure?  The favors are from the dollar store and the champagne is Andre, so you may want to rethink this one.  Really.   

3.  Your Outfit- Must contain glitter, beading, sequence, or all of the above.    

4.  The Overuse of the Word ‘Exclusive’ - An EXCLUSIVE party for the New Year…  The EXCLUSIVE DJ from Europe…  EXCLUSIVELY from New York…  Exclusive!  Exclusive!  Exclusive! 

5.  Hotel Parties- Can’t you just invite the same people to your house and play Scrabble there?  Really, the hot tub isn’t that necessary.

So, what is my suggestion for NYE since I am being a little judgemental…

Save your money for 2009 and drink at home with Dick Clark!  He was there for you when you were a little kid and he is still here for you wishing you a happy and healthy New Year!  Go, Dick!

For more information on Home Bars, check out this posting!

What do you think Santa will bring Jesus for X-mas?

Oh, and Jack Tripper was such a heartthrob!  As a 8- year- old little girl, I wished I could meet a boy as funny and charming as Jack.  His physical humor and ability to cook set the bar for every boy (and man) I dated.  He was so dreamy!  I had to meet my Jack!

And of course, for the boys (and men) Three’s Company blessed you with the hot blonde, Chrissy, and the perfect girl next door, Janet.  I’m pretty positive that back in 1981 every guy jerked off to the image of Chrissy and Janet kissing at least 12 times a day.  I’m mean, come on, do you remember Chrissy in leotards!?!? 

So, let’s take a moment and raise our glasses to Jack Tripper, Janet Wood, and Chrissy Snow!  And of course, The Regal Beagle!  Three’s Company was the greatest show on earth!

2.  Girls in Bar Clothes.  Honestly, it is not 1999.  Be natural!  Your bar clothes look like a costume from Halloween USA.  And quit pushing your breasts up to your neck!  You look swollen!

3.  Bouncers Who Think They Are THE LAW.  Sit down and shut up!  You are here to make sure that no one gets hurt in case a fight breaks out.  Not to bully people around with your intimidating stare and crossed arms.  And quit making me feel like shit for standing.  There’s no room to move!

4.  Cover Charges.  Really, I have to pay to come into YOUR bar where I will spend money on drinks that YOU marked up 200%?  WTF?  Why?  Aren’t you making enough money on the drinks alone?  I know my cover charge isn’t going to ’pay for the band.’  There is no band!  And your DJ sucks! 

5.  The Smell.  That awful smell that lingers and follows you around until you finally take a shower.  All that smoke and alcohol.  Eeww!  Gross!   And the fact that your coat will smell like stale beer and cigarettes for the next week and a half just about blows.  Why did I bring it in?

Designated as the unoffical starter drink of Aruba, rum, amaretto, and a splash of fruit juice mingle and tingle throughout your body.  And a little booby shake is required to warm up your internal organs.  Sip.  Sip.  Sip.  You’re officially buzzed. 

As the ice melts and cherry pickles, it feels good to be alive.  You are numb to reality.  What war in Iraq?  Kids starving where?  Aruba is the only place in the world you know and love.  Hey, this moment is the moment of your life.  Not your wedding.  Not the birth of your first born.  But this moment.  And you owe it all to a half litre of alcohol and a millilitre of juice.  Aaahhh heaven…   

Now, doesn’t it feel good knowing all of this only cost $9.00?

 If you are interested in Rusty Beach Therapy, please visit Iguana Joe’s in Aruba.  The food  and service is great!  You will not be disappointed!  It has been a tradition in family for the past 14 years!  (Please note that prices may have changed, so don’t be cheap!)