My first asshole encounter was with a tall, fedora hat-wearing hipster working at Primavera on Saturday at the Farmers Market (food is great, people suck).  Honestly, Asshole, you can crack a smile!  For someone who is in customer service, you should be more of a ‘people person’ and less of an asshole.  Yes, I am well aware that I am a tourist, but as a CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE you should understand you are there for the CUSTOMER (including tourists) and not for your pompous image of an ‘individual.’  If you were such an individual, I wouldn’t be able to be a label on you as an ASSHOLE HIPSTER!

There were two other people I wanted to punch in the face while in San Fran (I read that the locals hate the term ‘San Fran’- Now, I love it!)-  A bartender and waiter at the Tadich Grill (again, food is great, people suck).  Honestly, do you really need to be sarcastic?  What is really pissing you off?  I understand I was there at 9:30 on a Saturday and you wanted to go home, but THIS IS YOUR JOB!  You are paid to be there for the CUSTOMER! 

Here are some classic lines from our two dashing Douchebags:

Act I:

My husband:  “What do you have on tap?”

Bartender:  “Beer.”

No shit, Dickhead!

Act II:

Bartender (to me, as he serves my husband a beer):  “Do you always come second in his life?”

Act III:

Waiter:  “What can I get you two to drink?”

My husband:  “There is a beer coming from the bar for me.”

Waiter:  “As your waiter, don’t you think I should know that?”

Dickhead, the bartender told us he would tell you, so settle down!

Act IV:

Me:  “How is your bread pudding?”

Waiter:  “It depends on where you are from?”

Me:  “Michigan.”

Waiter:  “Oh, then it will be good for you.”

Really, Asshole?  Really?  Some bald, HIPSTER asshole from San Francisco is suddenly the expert in bread pudding? 

While I could go on and on about the Assholeness in San Francisco, the last asshole encounter I would like to  mention is our douchebag tag wearin’ Concierge at the hotel.  The hotel was great, but easy with the ‘quirky’ and ‘witty’ concierge service.  You are here to help your guest, not make inappropriate comments and keep the ‘tourist’ in the ‘tourist spots’ of San Francisco.  I’ve never been in a city that was so segregated and pretentious in my life!  

If you are heading out to San Francisco, here is a helpful tip- it is only a day trip!  Spend your time outside the city- as long as you can!  We wanted to go Wine Country, but didn’t think we had time.  On Day 2, we were ready to go to the airport and return to Detroit Metro!  I must say, it is pretty sad that we would rather come back to Detroit, than stay in sunny California!

Honest Travel Tips about San Francisco:

Fisherman’s Wharf- Disgustingly commercialized!  It is NOTHING like Chicago’s Navy Pier!  The sea lions smell.  Bad. 

Ghirardelli Square-There are maybe 5 shops in the whole place.  It is such a joke!  Plus, you can buy Ghirardelli chocolates ANYWHERE!

Ferry Building Marketplace- Amazing!  Honestly, the best thing about San Francisco, but only when the Farmer’s Market is there (T, TH, and Sat).  

Cable Cars- The tourists are the only people that use these things and they are ‘stuffed’ in there like sardines.  It is so ridiculous. 

Homeless People- They are everywhere.  It makes you feel so bad, but never fear, they are assholes, too.  They make inappropriate comments to you that are either sexual or racist.

Golden Gate Bridge-  It’s a bridge.  End of story.

Union Square-  There is no cool square with street vendors or performers.  It is just a square with some little cafes and some landscaping.  Outside of ‘the square’ there are shops, shops, and more shops.     

Chinatown-  That’s about it.  Just like every other city.  However, R & G Lounge is AMAZING!

Haight Ashbury-It is San Fran’s Fisherman’s Wharf by land.  Too commercialized.  The hippies are now drinking Starbucks and listening to Grateful Dead on their iPods.

The Food-  YUM.  YUM.  YUM.  If it wasn’t for the food, I would really hate San Francisco.

1.  A back tattoo of Jesus on the cross

2.  Barb wire arm tattoo

3.  A single rose above the nips

4.  Tramp stamp

5.  Chinese writing of ‘Love,’ ‘Faith,’ Hope,’ and ‘I’m an asshole’

And the #1 Most Admired Tattoo at a NASCAR Race…

Take 1 Swig when…
- A beer is consumed
- Someone falls
- A girl’s shirt is ripped off
- Landfill acts fat
- Something gets broken
- The American Team acts gay

2 Swigs when…
- Anyone says “Great Gam Gam” or refers to her as a whore
- Das Boot is mentioned or used
- Anytime food is thrown
- A frog is jerked off
- Fink is wearing a different yamaka

3 Swigs when…
- “Po Po” is said
- The German Team acts gay
- They mispronounce Mr. Schniedelwichsen’s name

4 Swigs when…
- Someone is killed/dies
- Someone is punched or smacked
- A beer is shotgunned

And finish the drink when…
- Someone yodels

For more great drinking games, check out BarMeister!

Eddie from National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

Click here to view the embedded video.

It just sounds gross.  But when most of us get a few drinks down, we become a little less pure and a lot more unrefined.  Our mouth becomes our own personal weapon of mass destruction and our mind is held hostage of comprehension.  Verbal vomit spews out uncontrollably.  And phrases like, ‘I love you, man’ and ‘I not trying to be mean, but…,’ start to take a life of their own. 

And then there’s our appearance.  Sadly, we think we’re the cat’s meow.  For women, our make up is non-existent.  We are only left with smeared raccoon eyes and a distorted body image that we think we look like Jessica Biel.  For men, you’re a little sweaty (it’s a little gross) and your shirt is untucked with wrinkles at the bottom.  But dude, you are the captain of the football team!  You own this bar!  

Hey, we are all entitled to let loose after hours, speak gibberish, and look like a beat-up version of Raggedy Anne and Andy.  Right? 

The next day, we try to forget about the things we might have said and done.  Hazy vignettes run through our mind of the night before.  The dirty artist at bar smoking his Lucky Strikes (I think I might have kissed him).  The suburban MILF’s with their mom bellies (I think I freaked one of them on the dance floor).  The couple making out in the corner (Gosh, I wish that was me).  The couple making out in the restroom (Do they not know what STD’s are?).  And the hipster conversation about slogan tees that we tried so hard to ignore, but we couldn’t take it anymore and said some words that were inappropriate to say the least (STFU!).  And the shots.  Oh, the shots…they were going down so smooth… 

Alcohol helps ease the daily friction of life.  With good company, it is the Barry White of beverages.  It helps us bond with the ones we love and slowly get to second base with the ones we want to love.  Alcohol also can be the Sarah Palin of spiked punches.  It can spark a fire of excitement with rehearsed words or embarrass a party with its mindless rambling.  And lastly, alcohol is Rachel Ray of rum and cokes.  In 30 minutes or less, you can either stir up a good buzz and raspy voice or brew a pot of bullshit and annoy the hell out of everyone in the bar.