Tip 1- Don’t wear shorts!  Euros do not wear shorts unless they are at the beach, out in the field working in the hot hot sun, or playing soccer.  Therefore, there is NO REASON for you to wear shorts in Paris, Munich, London, or any other European metropolis!  Yes, even if it is hot!  NO ONE wants to see your hairy manly legs, Nike socks, and Nike shoes.  No one. 

Tip 2- Put the camera down!  Do you really need a picture of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?  Oh, Look!  A man painting a picture in Paris!  Oh, Look!  A woman carrying fruit in a basket!  Oh, Look!  A kid with flies all over his nose!  Aaww!  How cute!  Stop!  Just stop!  It is not nice!  Plus, would you really take a picture of a homeless man in Detroit or a picture of a street vendor in NYC?  No, they would probably beat the shit out of you!  So, please put the camera down!

Tip 3- Don’t get drunk!  Have you ever heard of ‘Belgian Girls Gone Wild’?  or ‘MTV’s Euro Spring Break’?  Well, that’s because they do not exist!  Yes, Europeans may make freaky-deaky porns and enjoy their beer and wine; however, they do not all of the sudden get crazy-ass drunk, start doing body shots off their best friend, and become bi-sexual for the night!  It just doesn’t happen.  

Tip 4- America IS NOT the world police!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not own the world!  We cannot do whatever we want, wherever we want, whenever we want!  Other countries have laws and we need to abide by them.  This is even in your passport- Yes, our beloved country even tells you to chill out with the arrogance.  So, once again, before you think you are Princess Di and try to smuggle 30 kids into the United States, remember this little tidbit of information!

Tip 5- US currency is not accepted everywhere!  In Japan, you pay with a yen- not a dollar.  A cup of coffee in London is about £1.30 not $1.30.  If you are traveling in Europe, exchange your dollars for Euros.  Please do not try to pay with a $50 bill after you enjoyed your dinner.  It’s embarrassing. 

Tip 6- Not everyone speaks American- I mean, English!  If someone tells you once that they do not speak English, they cannot miraculously start speaking English if you keep speaking in English to them.  They do not speak English!  Leave them alone, learn the native tongue, or STFU!

Tip 7- Not everyone drives an American car!  Frenchmen do not drive Ford F-150s.  The Brits do not roll in Dodge Rams.  And not every family around the world has an SUV with navigation and a DVD player.  Oh, and walk away before you say, ‘Oh, how cute!  That car is so small!’

Tip 8- Knee-length white socks are a no-no!  Oh, and white socks with black shoes are an even bigger no-no!  If you feel the need to wear socks with your sneakers or sandals, please wear pants!  Please.  

Tip 9- Try the national dish!  Yes, McDonald’s is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it!  Try the pad thai in Thailand!  Eat lamb and eggplant moussaka in Greece!  And don’t roll your eyes when you’re told what ingredients are in falafel when you are in Middle East!

Tip 10- Play nice!  Once you get your passport, consider it permission to represent America.  Yes, some people may rude and unhelpful, but at least you won’t be labeled as a sterotypical American.

Take a sip of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time you see or hear…

• A man wearing a Speedo (Hot!)
• A woman wearing a Thong th thong thong thong (Rrrr!)
• A man wearing a Thong th thong thong thong (Sick!)
• A New York accent
• A girl with a tramp stamp (Bullseye!)
• A guy with a barb wire tattoo
• A mom yelling, ‘Kids, come here!’
• A kid building a sand castle
• A local guy walking the beach with a female tourist (Someone is gettin’ some tonight!)
• Honeymooners holding each other with pina coladas in their hands

• A hairy guy wearing a big gold medallion
• A Boston accent
• A topless lady (Oh yeah!)
• A jogger running with his/her I-Pod
• A fat old lady wearing a super small bikini
• Someone saying, ‘We’re from Detroit…’ (They’re really not from Detroit, trust me!)
• An old man roaming the beach with his metal detector
• A guy with a pierced nipple (This could also be the same guy with the barb wire tattoo…2 sips!)
• Someone wearing a ‘I Love NY’ shirt
• A local hollering, ‘Watersports!’

• A girl with camel toe (Read her lips, dammit!)
• Someone wearing a Yankees baseball cap
• A girl with braids all over her head
• Someone not wearing sunscreen (Dumb ass!)
• A fat guy with an unlit cigar in his mouth (This may also be the same guy wearing a gold medallion…2 sips!)
• 2 men walking the beach together (Suspect!)
• A woman with Jerry Seinfeld’s haircut
• A cougar (No, not the feline!)
• A fat local lady with a hobo purse saying, ‘Braids for the beautiful lady?’
• Are you drunk yet?

Hope you enjoy the game! And remember to relax…Aaahhh!

Designated as the unoffical starter drink of Aruba, rum, amaretto, and a splash of fruit juice mingle and tingle throughout your body.  And a little booby shake is required to warm up your internal organs.  Sip.  Sip.  Sip.  You’re officially buzzed. 

As the ice melts and cherry pickles, it feels good to be alive.  You are numb to reality.  What war in Iraq?  Kids starving where?  Aruba is the only place in the world you know and love.  Hey, this moment is the moment of your life.  Not your wedding.  Not the birth of your first born.  But this moment.  And you owe it all to a half litre of alcohol and a millilitre of juice.  Aaahhh heaven…   

Now, doesn’t it feel good knowing all of this only cost $9.00?

 If you are interested in Rusty Beach Therapy, please visit Iguana Joe’s in Aruba.  The food  and service is great!  You will not be disappointed!  It has been a tradition in family for the past 14 years!  (Please note that prices may have changed, so don’t be cheap!)

It’s hard to believe that I can honestly say I have seven years of professional work experience (professional, sometimes). I still remember my freshman year in high school wearing flannel and listening to Pearl Jam.  I remember idolizing the school’s heartthrob, Mike M, and waiting for him to walk by my fifth hour class.  I would never say anything to him.  Of course not.  I would just stare.

Now, I am a part of America’s cubicle farm.  Where millions of us sit in front of a computer waiting for the little yellow envelope to appear for some excitement.  Sometimes, we get a little silly and go on Facebook during work hours for a quick peek.  So rebellious.  It’s funny how in 15 years, I went from stalking a guy in the hallway to stalking status updates on the Internet.  And occasionally, while committing my scandalous visits to Facebook, I dream a little dream to ease the pain of policies and procedures.  

I daydream about beer and how my mouth waters with anticipation when I pour it into a frosted glass mug. 

I daydream about Aruba and how relaxing it is to sit on the sandy beach drinking beer and eating peanuts.  

I daydream about Margaritas served on the rocks with salt. 

I daydream about all the different types of shots.  Red headed sluts.  Kamikazes.  Lemon drops.  Just to name a few.     

I daydream about late night snacks and drinking beer.  Yum.  Cheesy spinach artichoke dip and chips.  Hot buffalo wings.  Potato Chips.  Yum.  Yum.  Yum.

I daydream about going to local bars while on vacation and hanging out with the friendly happy locals.

I daydream about rooting for the home team with a hot dog in one hand and a 32 oz. beer in the other. 

Oh, the list goes on and on and on and on…