Tip 1- Don’t wear shorts!  Euros do not wear shorts unless they are at the beach, out in the field working in the hot hot sun, or playing soccer.  Therefore, there is NO REASON for you to wear shorts in Paris, Munich, London, or any other European metropolis!  Yes, even if it is hot!  NO ONE wants to see your hairy manly legs, Nike socks, and Nike shoes.  No one. 

Tip 2- Put the camera down!  Do you really need a picture of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?  Oh, Look!  A man painting a picture in Paris!  Oh, Look!  A woman carrying fruit in a basket!  Oh, Look!  A kid with flies all over his nose!  Aaww!  How cute!  Stop!  Just stop!  It is not nice!  Plus, would you really take a picture of a homeless man in Detroit or a picture of a street vendor in NYC?  No, they would probably beat the shit out of you!  So, please put the camera down!

Tip 3- Don’t get drunk!  Have you ever heard of ‘Belgian Girls Gone Wild’?  or ‘MTV’s Euro Spring Break’?  Well, that’s because they do not exist!  Yes, Europeans may make freaky-deaky porns and enjoy their beer and wine; however, they do not all of the sudden get crazy-ass drunk, start doing body shots off their best friend, and become bi-sexual for the night!  It just doesn’t happen.  

Tip 4- America IS NOT the world police!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not own the world!  We cannot do whatever we want, wherever we want, whenever we want!  Other countries have laws and we need to abide by them.  This is even in your passport- Yes, our beloved country even tells you to chill out with the arrogance.  So, once again, before you think you are Princess Di and try to smuggle 30 kids into the United States, remember this little tidbit of information!

Tip 5- US currency is not accepted everywhere!  In Japan, you pay with a yen- not a dollar.  A cup of coffee in London is about £1.30 not $1.30.  If you are traveling in Europe, exchange your dollars for Euros.  Please do not try to pay with a $50 bill after you enjoyed your dinner.  It’s embarrassing. 

Tip 6- Not everyone speaks American- I mean, English!  If someone tells you once that they do not speak English, they cannot miraculously start speaking English if you keep speaking in English to them.  They do not speak English!  Leave them alone, learn the native tongue, or STFU!

Tip 7- Not everyone drives an American car!  Frenchmen do not drive Ford F-150s.  The Brits do not roll in Dodge Rams.  And not every family around the world has an SUV with navigation and a DVD player.  Oh, and walk away before you say, ‘Oh, how cute!  That car is so small!’

Tip 8- Knee-length white socks are a no-no!  Oh, and white socks with black shoes are an even bigger no-no!  If you feel the need to wear socks with your sneakers or sandals, please wear pants!  Please.  

Tip 9- Try the national dish!  Yes, McDonald’s is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it!  Try the pad thai in Thailand!  Eat lamb and eggplant moussaka in Greece!  And don’t roll your eyes when you’re told what ingredients are in falafel when you are in Middle East!

Tip 10- Play nice!  Once you get your passport, consider it permission to represent America.  Yes, some people may rude and unhelpful, but at least you won’t be labeled as a sterotypical American.

Ugh.

I haven’t experimented with all the crazy Bloody Mary ingredients and recipes out there.  I’ve been a basic Tabasco and Mr. and Mrs. T‘s kinda girl.  But today, I am trying Zing Zang‘s mix.  The wine guy at the fruit market got a little excited when I asked him where the Bloody Mary mix was located.  He briskly walked me to the secret stash of Zing Zang and with a smile on his face said, ‘It is the best,’ as handed me a bottle.  

So, what’s the verdict?

Amazing! 

It was spicy, zingy, and zangy.  The chili peppers in the mix kept the party goin’ with every sip and the vegetable juice blend was flavorful and filling.  I mean, who needs to eat dinner when they can drink it? 

So, the wine guy was right.  It is the best.  Bravo, Zing Zang!  Bravo!  You brought a little comfort to working girl dreading her manic Monday.   

Cheers. 

-George Bernard Shaw

-Babe Ruth

I wake up everyday and check myself out. 

I look at my hips.  My belly.  And my thighs.   

And then I stare. 

I stare at my whole body. 

I stare for a couple minutes. 

I stand and I stare. 

I am convinced that if I stare long enough and hard enough my lady lumps will go away.

But they don’t.  

They are there. 

And they are there to stare. 

Some days, I get pissed and it becomes Me vs. Me… 

‘You dumb ass!  You are so fat!  What the fuck were you thinking last night?  Like you had to have all that beer and cheese!  You are so stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stop it, already!’ 

(Yes, I have had this mental argument…many times…)

Other days, I proud of my curves… 

It feels good to be a woman!

I am woman, hear me roar! 

Today I am going to work it!  

Work it!  

Work it!

Work it!

These days are my best day. 

I work it because I love food. 

I work it because I love beer. 

I work it because I want to live life! 

I work it because when I die I will work it no more…

So, I will continue to work it… 

Work it… 

Work it…

Work it!

I am not ashamed of loving food a little too much…

I am ashamed of drinking a little too much…

I am just not ashamed. 

So again…

I will continue to stare. 

To eat.

To drink.

To live. 

And to love. 

After a few nights of practice, I did it!  I was able to measure a few alcoholic masterpieces!  To spread the joy, here the three tasty cocktails I perfected to help you start your evening out right!  Enjoy!   

Grass Skirt

Ice Cubes

1 1/2 oz Gin

1 oz Triple Sec or Cointreau

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1/2 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Pineapple Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Add the gin, triple sec/Cointreau, pineapple juice, and grenadine.  Shake well and pour (unstrained) into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the pineapple slice and enjoy!   

Jamaica Sunday

Crushed Ice

2 oz Jamaican Rum

1 teaspoon Clear Honey

1/2 oz Lime Juice

2 oz Lemonade

Dissolve the honey in the rum and then pour into an old-fashioned glass filled with the crushed ice.  Top with lime juice and lemonade.  Enjoy! 

Hawaiian Vodka

Ice Cubes

3 oz Vodka

1 oz Pineapple Juice

1 oz Orange Juice

1 oz Lemon Juice

1 teaspoon Grenadine

1 Lemon Slice

Half-fill a shaker with ice cubes.  Pour in the all the juices and vodka.  Shake well and strain into an old-fashioned glass.  Garnish with the lemon slice and enjoy! 

Recipes from The Cocktail Handbook

Let’s see…

The first beer that comes to mind is Amstel Light.  It is one dam good bier!  It is low in calories and can be enjoyed throughout the day!  Its lightness allows you drink… and drink… and drink until you can’t drink anymore!  It can be enjoyed with a variety of food; however, I personally like to drink it while munching on delicious Gouda cheese and crackers!  It is so good!  You’ll love it, I swear!

What else is there?

Another beer I enjoy drinking in the summer is Bell’s Oberon.   It is a summer classic in Detroit (and the rest of Michigan) that can be found at almost any local bar or pub.  Try it for lunch with a delicious smoked ham and Edam cheese sandwich.  Or simply enjoy it with a slice of orange on a hot summer day!  But beware, it isn’t as light as Amstel Light since it is a wheat ale, so after a few beers you should be feeling a little lightheaded.    

I guess those are my two top picks for the summer so far…  We did buy a bunch of beer the other day to taste test, so stay tuned for my reviews!  With the rate my husband and I drink, we should be able to review at least 2 more new beers by next week! 

So, until then, Cheers!

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