Rusty Beach

Have you ever noticed that it is tough to travel outside the United States and say you are an American without getting ‘The Look’ followed by ‘The Smirk’?  Somewhere between 1776 and 2010, I suspect some fools went around the world and gave American tourists a bad rap.  Well, to help redeem our pride, I came up with some tips for not looking like an American tourist while being an American tourist.  Hopefully, some of these tips will help you next time you travel aboard! 

Tip 1- Don’t wear shorts!  Euros do not wear shorts unless they are at the beach, out in the field working in the hot hot sun, or playing soccer.  Therefore, there is NO REASON for you to wear shorts in Paris, Munich, London, or any other European metropolis!  Yes, even if it is hot!  NO ONE wants to see your hairy manly legs, Nike socks, and Nike shoes.  No one. 

Tip 2- Put the camera down!  Do you really need a picture of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?  Oh, Look!  A man painting a picture in Paris!  Oh, Look!  A woman carrying fruit in a basket!  Oh, Look!  A kid with flies all over his nose!  Aaww!  How cute!  Stop!  Just stop!  It is not nice!  Plus, would you really take a picture of a homeless man in Detroit or a picture of a street vendor in NYC?  No, they would probably beat the shit out of you!  So, please put the camera down!

Tip 3- Don’t get drunk!  Have you ever heard of ‘Belgian Girls Gone Wild’?  or ‘MTV’s Euro Spring Break’?  Well, that’s because they do not exist!  Yes, Europeans may make freaky-deaky porns and enjoy their beer and wine; however, they do not all of the sudden get crazy-ass drunk, start doing body shots off their best friend, and become bi-sexual for the night!  It just doesn’t happen.  

Tip 4- America IS NOT the world police!  Contrary to popular belief, we do not own the world!  We cannot do whatever we want, wherever we want, whenever we want!  Other countries have laws and we need to abide by them.  This is even in your passport- Yes, our beloved country even tells you to chill out with the arrogance.  So, once again, before you think you are Princess Di and try to smuggle 30 kids into the United States, remember this little tidbit of information!

Tip 5- US currency is not accepted everywhere!  In Japan, you pay with a yen- not a dollar.  A cup of coffee in London is about £1.30 not $1.30.  If you are traveling in Europe, exchange your dollars for Euros.  Please do not try to pay with a $50 bill after you enjoyed your dinner.  It’s embarrassing. 

Tip 6- Not everyone speaks American- I mean, English!  If someone tells you once that they do not speak English, they cannot miraculously start speaking English if you keep speaking in English to them.  They do not speak English!  Leave them alone, learn the native tongue, or STFU!

Tip 7- Not everyone drives an American car!  Frenchmen do not drive Ford F-150s.  The Brits do not roll in Dodge Rams.  And not every family around the world has an SUV with navigation and a DVD player.  Oh, and walk away before you say, ‘Oh, how cute!  That car is so small!’

Tip 8- Knee-length white socks are a no-no!  Oh, and white socks with black shoes are an even bigger no-no!  If you feel the need to wear socks with your sneakers or sandals, please wear pants!  Please.  

Tip 9- Try the national dish!  Yes, McDonald’s is E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it!  Try the pad thai in Thailand!  Eat lamb and eggplant moussaka in Greece!  And don’t roll your eyes when you’re told what ingredients are in falafel when you are in Middle East!

Tip 10- Play nice!  Once you get your passport, consider it permission to represent America.  Yes, some people may rude and unhelpful, but at least you won’t be labeled as a sterotypical American.

Tags: Alcohol, America World Police, American, American Tourist, Aruba, Bars, Drinking, Drunk, Drunken Stupor, Euro, Euros, Girls Gone Wild, liquor, MTV Spring Break, Seduction, Shorts, Social Gatherings, Stupid Tourists, Television, Travel, US Currency, White Knee-High Socks

Bacon not only makes everything better, but it is godsent.  These bacon-wrapped jalapeno sensations are proof that heaven can’t be too far away! 

Ingredients

• 1 to 2 packages cream cheese, room temperature
• 2 cloves chopped garlic 
• 1/4 cup finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes 
• Chopped fresh basil leaves
• Pinch salt
• 10 to 25 jalapeno peppers (larger than average size will make them easier to stuff)
• 1/2 to 1 pound thinly sliced bacon 

Directions

Tags: Appetizers, Bacon-wrapped Jalapeno Peppers, Cheese, Food, Food Network, Jalapeno, Party Planning, Peppers, Social Gatherings, Summer

 Here’s another great guacamole recipe to start the party off right!  Holla! 

Ingredients:

• 3 Haas avocados, halved, seeded and peeled
• 1 lime, juiced
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne
• 1/2 medium onion, diced
• 2 Roma tomatoes, seeded and diced (the chuckier, the better) 
• 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro (If you are a cilantro hater, it is ok- you don’t really need it)
• 1 clove garlic, minced

Directions:

Tags: Cilantro Hater, Food, Food Network, Guacamole, Party Dip, Party Food, Party Planning, Recipe, Social Gatherings, Summer

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.”
-Humphrey Bogart

Tags: Alcohol, Beer, Drinking, Humphrey Bogart, Motivational Quotes, Quotes

This says it all!

Tags: Happy Mother's Day, Love, Mom, Moms know everything, Mother's Day, Parenting

I’ve become a huge fan of Bloody Marys.  Especially on Sundays.  They are de-li-cious and they bring a little peace to me every Sunday knowing that I have to go to work the next day. 

Ugh.

I haven’t experimented with all the crazy Bloody Mary ingredients and recipes out there.  I’ve been a basic Tabasco and Mr. and Mrs. T‘s kinda girl.  But today, I am trying Zing Zang‘s mix.  The wine guy at the fruit market got a little excited when I asked him where the Bloody Mary mix was located.  He briskly walked me to the secret stash of Zing Zang and with a smile on his face said, ‘It is the best,’ as handed me a bottle.  

So, what’s the verdict?

Amazing! 

It was spicy, zingy, and zangy.  The chili peppers in the mix kept the party goin’ with every sip and the vegetable juice blend was flavorful and filling.  I mean, who needs to eat dinner when they can drink it? 

So, the wine guy was right.  It is the best.  Bravo, Zing Zang!  Bravo!  You brought a little comfort to working girl dreading her manic Monday.   

Cheers. 

Tags: Alcohol, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary Sundays, Drinking, Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix, Tabasco, Vodka, Zing Zang Bloody Mary Mix

When you are passionate about something, you go a little crazy.  You can’t think straight and everything takes you to the next level- the crazy level! 

 But, don’t think you are going mad!  No, sir!  You are just putting your heart and soul into something you love. 

Van Gogh said it best, ‘I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.”

Tags: Art, Crazy, Heart, Love, Mad, Mind, Motivational Quotes, Nuthouse, Nuts, Passion, Quotes, Soul, Van Gogh, Vincent van Gogh

I can’t stand hipsters. 

Honestly, who are you? 

Are you 1/2 gothic 1/2 preppy? 

Are you 100% Pure Alterna-Fuck? 

 Are you even clean? 

When I see a hipster, I want to vomit!  Yes, projectile vomit onto their ‘vintage’ concert t-shirt and skintight jeans!  They are lost dirty little fuckheads trying so hard to be different!  They spend more time on looking dirty than actually cleansing themselves!  And they spend more time criticizing others who are ‘too square’ than actually becoming experts on what they are criticizing us about! 

Really, you know that much about Eastern European history?  Really? 

And really, you know that much about cinematography and 1960′s Czech film noir?

Sure.

Just STFU! 

You hipsters kill me!

(I googled ‘stupid hipster’ and found the perfect illustration…Enjoy!)

Tags: Alterna-fucks, Detroit, Detroit Hipsters, dirty, fuckheads, Hipsters, I hate Hipsters, Posers, Preppies, San Francisco, San Francisco Sucks, San Frank Hipsters, trust fund babies

Nowadays, when you become a parent, you join the organic vs. non-organic debate.  Should I buy organic bananas?  What about organic apples, are they really juicier?  Does organic milk really taste better?  What about organic vegetables, are they really greener?  What is the difference between organic tomatoes and non-organic tomatoes?  Are they really redder? 

Well, I’m 31 years old now and can pretty much beat my annual salary that my parents had no clue what organic food was back in 1978.   Both my parents were loyal Detroit Rock City factory workers and food had to be quick and easy!  My mother had no time to read labels to determine if the ingredients were healthy enough for me.  I was a formula-fed, Chef Boyardee eatin’, Mt. Dew drinkin’ kid!  Hey, I ended up graduating college and living in the ‘burbs- I’m pretty sure I didn’t come out that bad… 

Now that I am a mom raising a little girl in a somewhat health- conscious society, I am little paranoid about my every move.   Does this juice have too much sugar?  How many hot dogs are acceptable in a week?  Instant or homemade mashed potatoes?  Is Chef Boyardee safe?  Was it ever safe?  Organic milk vs. non-organic milk?  What’s it goin’ be?  Uh?  What’s it goin’ be, dammit! 

Being a parent is tough! 

Last Friday night I went to Trader Joe’s to pick up some cheap wine for my husband’s hunting trip.  While I was trying to find the perfect case of wine for a bunch of deer hunters, I couldn’t believe the amount of boxed organic foods.   Boxed organic crackers.  Boxed organic macaroni.  Boxed organic shepherd’s pie.  What?  Really?  Boxed shepherd’s pie?  Really?  Do you really think an Englishman would eat boxed shepherd’s pie? 

I guess there are some things we all expect to be processed (like Spam, Chef Boyardee, and Hormel Chili), but there are some things, like shepherd’s pie, that we expect to be homemade.  Is boxed organic shepherd’s pie more superior than Hamburger Helper?  Would a hipster from San Francisco enjoyably eat the boxed organic shepherd’s pie, but chuckle if I told him that I used frozen peas and carrots in my dinner last night?  Is organic shepherd’s pie in a box heartier and more filling than the tradition countryside recipe?  I guess I just don’t get it! 

Maybe my whole dilemma comes from the fact that I am a little disturbed with the word ‘organic’ being thrown around so easily.  Organic farmers take pride in their work and they follow very strict guidelines to put the word ‘organic’ on their product.  I find it a little hard to believe that an organic farmer would consciously be comfortable with the fact that his fresh produce was dried, processed, and boxed.  Would he really sacrifice his family’s life and attend countless USDA meetings for a spot on Trader Joe’s top shelf?  I highly doubt it.

Tags: Canned Foods, Chef Boyardee, Food, Healthy Food, Hipsters, Hormel Chili, Kids, Non-Organic Food, Organic Farmers, Organic Farming, Organic Foods, Parenting, Processed Foods, San Francisco, Shepherd's Pie, Spam, Suburban Lifestyle, Trader Joe's, USDA

My husband and I went to San Francisco over the weekend.  What a joke!  Could people be more sarcastic and arrogant?  I couldn’t believe it!  At first, I was in denial.  Then, I realized that everyone was an asshole!  

My first asshole encounter was with a tall, fedora hat-wearing hipster working at Primavera on Saturday at the Farmers Market (food is great, people suck).  Honestly, Asshole, you can crack a smile!  For someone who is in customer service, you should be more of a ‘people person’ and less of an asshole.  Yes, I am well aware that I am a tourist, but as a CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE you should understand you are there for the CUSTOMER (including tourists) and not for your pompous image of an ‘individual.’  If you were such an individual, I wouldn’t be able to be a label on you as an ASSHOLE HIPSTER!

There were two other people I wanted to punch in the face while in San Fran (I read that the locals hate the term ‘San Fran’- Now, I love it!)-  A bartender and waiter at the Tadich Grill (again, food is great, people suck).  Honestly, do you really need to be sarcastic?  What is really pissing you off?  I understand I was there at 9:30 on a Saturday and you wanted to go home, but THIS IS YOUR JOB!  You are paid to be there for the CUSTOMER! 

Here are some classic lines from our two dashing Douchebags:

Act I:

My husband:  “What do you have on tap?”

Bartender:  “Beer.”

No shit, Dickhead!

Act II:

Bartender (to me, as he serves my husband a beer):  “Do you always come second in his life?”

Act III:

Waiter:  “What can I get you two to drink?”

My husband:  “There is a beer coming from the bar for me.”

Waiter:  “As your waiter, don’t you think I should know that?”

Dickhead, the bartender told us he would tell you, so settle down!

Act IV:

Me:  “How is your bread pudding?”

Waiter:  “It depends on where you are from?”

Me:  “Michigan.”

Waiter:  “Oh, then it will be good for you.”

Really, Asshole?  Really?  Some bald, HIPSTER asshole from San Francisco is suddenly the expert in bread pudding? 

While I could go on and on about the Assholeness in San Francisco, the last asshole encounter I would like to  mention is our douchebag tag wearin’ Concierge at the hotel.  The hotel was great, but easy with the ‘quirky’ and ‘witty’ concierge service.  You are here to help your guest, not make inappropriate comments and keep the ‘tourist’ in the ‘tourist spots’ of San Francisco.  I’ve never been in a city that was so segregated and pretentious in my life!  

If you are heading out to San Francisco, here is a helpful tip- it is only a day trip!  Spend your time outside the city- as long as you can!  We wanted to go Wine Country, but didn’t think we had time.  On Day 2, we were ready to go to the airport and return to Detroit Metro!  I must say, it is pretty sad that we would rather come back to Detroit, than stay in sunny California!

Honest Travel Tips about San Francisco:

Fisherman’s Wharf- Disgustingly commercialized!  It is NOTHING like Chicago’s Navy Pier!  The sea lions smell.  Bad. 

Ghirardelli Square-There are maybe 5 shops in the whole place.  It is such a joke!  Plus, you can buy Ghirardelli chocolates ANYWHERE!

Ferry Building Marketplace- Amazing!  Honestly, the best thing about San Francisco, but only when the Farmer’s Market is there (T, TH, and Sat).  

Cable Cars- The tourists are the only people that use these things and they are ‘stuffed’ in there like sardines.  It is so ridiculous. 

Homeless People- They are everywhere.  It makes you feel so bad, but never fear, they are assholes, too.  They make inappropriate comments to you that are either sexual or racist.

Golden Gate Bridge-  It’s a bridge.  End of story.

Union Square-  There is no cool square with street vendors or performers.  It is just a square with some little cafes and some landscaping.  Outside of ‘the square’ there are shops, shops, and more shops.     

Chinatown-  That’s about it.  Just like every other city.  However, R & G Lounge is AMAZING!

Haight Ashbury-It is San Fran’s Fisherman’s Wharf by land.  Too commercialized.  The hippies are now drinking Starbucks and listening to Grateful Dead on their iPods.

The Food-  YUM.  YUM.  YUM.  If it wasn’t for the food, I would really hate San Francisco.

Tags: Asshole, Beer, Cable Cars, Chinatown, Conceirge, Farmers Market, Ferry Building Marketplace, Fisherman's Wharf, Food, Foodies, Ghirardelli Square, Golden Gate Bridge, Homeless People, Omni Hotel, Primavera, San Francisco, San Francisco Sucks, Social Gatherings, Tadich Grill, Travel, Union Square